Learning To Talk About Conflict

Oregon Braver Angels Newsletter
by Karolina Newcombe

Braver Angels event moderator Heidi Venture isn’t afraid of a little confrontation.  “With Braver Angels, I’m a moderator, and I really don’t want to do anything else.  My strength is in managing big groups of people having an ugly conflict, and I love doing it.” 

“I don’t even mind when they have bad behavior, as long as they’re willing to look at their behavior as they go.  If I say that we have to stop because there’s some name calling, if they’re willing to stop...that’s beautiful to me.” 

But she wasn’t always one to step into the middle of an argument.  “I used to be a conflict avoider, and I started having problems because of that.  I had to learn how to talk about conflicts, not avoid them.  Some of the best friendships I’ve made were when I had a conflict with somebody that we had to work through. When you get to the other side of that, you have these warm feelings for each other.”

“It’s like make-up sex...if you can print that.”

Heidi’s journey in depolarization work started in 2016.  “I was already worried about polarization, and then Trump got elected, and I saw how people reacted on both sides.  Some of my liberal friends were so freaked out.  They were just beside themselves, and consumed by their freak out.  I wanted people to talk to each other again.  I’m liberal, and I have friends who aren’t liberal.  I lived in Eastern Washington in a very Republican town for 22 years.  I see them as people who have a very valuable outlook that’s different from mine.  I see most Republicans as being very similar to me.  But what I saw my liberal friends doing was painting all conservatives with the same characteristics as the most extreme ones.  They were living in a non-real world.”  

She joined Braver Angels around that time, but also led her own value-based depolarization trainings at Unitarian churches and for community groups.  She took a pause from depolarization work to focus on her facilitation business...but then, things started heating up again as the 2020 election approached. 

“I was thinking “No matter how it goes, this is going to be a very polarizing election for our country.”  And I’m very patriotic.  I believe that our government and our system--I think it’s us, it’s all of us.  I don’t think it’s separate from the people.”

Heidi then went through the Braver Angels event moderator training.  I ask her how she keeps passionate dialogue at events from turning into an all-out fight. 

“A lot of times it’s just saying—‘Let’s take a pause and look at what’s happening right now.  Let’s step away from the issue.’  People want that.  They want someone to help them deal with having these strong feelings and strong words.  When people use dehumanizing language, they feel like bad people.”  She does acknowledge that this is not always the case on social media. “Online, people are in their in-group when they do this most of the time, and they’re encouraged to do it.  Dehumanization is the first step toward genocide.  Nobody wants that.  But people do want to be heard.”   

“One of the biggest mistakes liberals have made is not listening to conservatives.  Conservatives have some great ideas that they’ve worked on for a long time, and liberals could hear them with an open mind and the possibility of taking action.  Listen to the whole idea.  We don’t do that anymore, we’re in our own little bubbles.  Sometimes, we’ll hear the liberal version of a conservative idea, not the real thing.”

Heidi lives in Hood River, which she calls “the most liberal rural town in Oregon.”  She admits that living in a blue town makes her wish for a little more political balance.  “I think it’s kind of renewed my commitment to finding conservatives to talk with.  I’m a fundraising/strategic planning consultant, and I have quite a few clients who are conservatives.  This has motivated me to think about how I can get more conversation going with them, where I can understand them and listen to them.  This is what we need to do -- how can I listen to the other side?  We have to get people listening.  The rest of it can come later, but the listening comes first.” 

“I think liberals pride themselves on their empathy and compassion, and they need to apply that compassion to their Republican friends and family and neighbors.  Or else they need to stop thinking they’re so compassionate.  Stop bragging about it, unless you’re going to apply it to everybody.  I do have some Democrat friends who are not happy with me, because I keep saying we need to build some bridges and listen.  And they’re in a high state of emotional arousal.  I really thought that with Trump out of office, they’re going to settle down.  But some of them are not settling down, they’re just as angry.”  

She quotes psychologist Jonathan Haidt:  “Morality binds and blinds.”

“It’s very hard to see past your own moral foundation.  If you think the most important thing in the world is to listen to people who are unheard, then you’re not going to accept that someone else has a completely different moral foundation that does not value hearing the unheard.”  

She refers back to the work of Jonathan Haidt again:  “As liberals, we’re kind of stuck on two values:  compassion and fairness.  Conservatives also look at authority and loyalty and liberty and sanctity as important values, and we really devalue those.  And there are times when you need authority, and there are times when you need loyalty.” 

Is she worried about what seems to be a deepening division in this country?  “I’m terrified for the future all the time.  I’m 64, but I have kids and a grandboy.  I’m terrified of what will happen if we can’t start talking to each other again, and being human again.  And we don’t have to go through that.  We’ve got the resources, we’ve got the brains, we really don’t have to fight this out as animals.  We can do that as human beings.  I want us to be human beings again and see each other as human beings.”  She does not pretend to be completely above the divisiveness herself.  “And it happens to me too, and I have my moments.  I’ve got a Republican friend who calls me names, I’ve got a family member who’s in QAnon.  It’s hard to be the one who has to be rational always.  But I don’t like the low road.  I don’t like how it feels to call anybody a name.”

One of her favorite quotes is from author Amaryllis Fox:  “I really do think that finding common ground is the greatest act of patriotism any of us can engage in right now.” 

Heidi’s advice for practicing depolarization is straightforward:  “Take a couple more Braver Angels workshops--that’d be my first tip.  Listen and don’t react.  Just because you’re listening, doesn’t mean you’re agreeing.  And sometimes you really do have to walk away, if someone is being abusive and is not willing to listen to you.  Then I think you should have the option to walk away from that interaction.” 

“I hope this work grows and makes a difference,” she says.

Open Hearted Writing

Write Drunk, Edit Sober: How to write a fundraising appeal

I’ve learned a lot from fundraising writer and guru Tom Ahern.

One year, at the Nonprofit Storytelling Conference, Tom helped me with an end of year appeal letter. My letter concept was edgy: “He died doing what he loved.” In the end, it doubled the number of new donors acquired compared to the previous year.

I saw Tom again the next year at the NPSC, and again he told us all to “Write drunk. Edit sober.” This advice always gets a laugh, but not many people follow it.

One evening last month, I tried it. I connected with Tom on Facebook to find out what wine pairs well with a crowdfunding story. He suggested an Old Vine Zin.

One and a half glasses of wine later, I put on my headset, turned on my dictation software, and told myself the story of a kid who comes home from school every day to a home that is way too quiet. I talked about how she feels. I shared how my client’s program ends her loneliness, helps with homework, feeds her dinner, etc.

Then I ranted for 15 minutes about all the reasons people should support the program. Ranting was fun!

The next morning, sober, I looked at what I had written. Seven pages of content, some of it surprisingly good. The story I needed for the crowdfunding page was right there on the first page. The emotion I needed for the call to action was in the rant. While it certainly needed some editing, this was the fastest I’ve ever produced an appeal.

Why did this work so well for me? Is it because I’m uptight and need to loosen up and get in touch with emotions? Maybe.

The story you tell your donors has to connect their hearts with the heart of the person you are helping. When your brain gets in the middle of that interaction, you’ll kill the emotion. You’ll kill the connection.

You have to find some way to get your brain out of the way and let your heart write the story.

People don’t give to your nonprofit because they think you spend your money wisely, or because you measure your outcomes, although those are both important. People give because they feel. They care.

The emotional connection your donor makes is the heart of any good fundraising story.

That emotional connection is the way to get and keep loyal donors.

So, here’s your call to action: Open your heart before you write. Or hire someone who can.

Need some help with your holiday fundraising? That’s what we are here for. Contact us now to see how we can help you reach your Holiday goals.

Flaming Heart Photo Credit:RedHeartsRule

From Crappiness, Happiness

Photo Credit: mydoglikes.com/

by Heidi Venture and Maria Elena Alton-Hegsted

Does seeing abandoned dog poop bags make your blood boil? It used to make me justifiably angry, too. I would rant to my friends about it, going on and on about how angry dog poop bags make me. By the time I was done ranting, they were angry, too. Anger shared.

Then, something wonderful happened, completely reversing my crappy attitude. I was hiking with my adult son on the beautiful Tamanawas Falls trail south of Parkdale. Within feet of the trailhead, I spotted an old, abandoned dog poop bag. I started griping about it to my son. I told him how angry it made me that dog owners pick their dog poop up in little bags, but instead of putting it in their backpack to make sure they carry it out, they leave it on the trail and forget it. I was on a pretty good ranting roll when my son, who is far wiser than his mom, interrupted me. “Mom, I’d like to walk silently for a few minutes and think about how to solve this.”

“FINE!” I grumpily consented.

After a few minutes of meditative walking, he said, “I’m ready to talk. I think I have an idea we might try.”

“Let me make sure I’ve got this right. A dog owner picks up their dog’s poop, ties it in a bag, and leaves it by the side of the trail, fully intending to pick it up on their way back. But something happens and they don’t. And then you, and probably a lot of other people, see these poop bags and feel angry at the forgetful dog owners. All these abandoned dog poop bags are increasing the amount of anger in the world, which is bad. But, Mom, I think there’s an opportunity here. You and I could decrease the amount of anger in the world simply by picking up dog poop bags and throwing them in the garbage. So many people would be spared their anger. The total amount of happiness in the world would increase.”

You might think this idea might make me even more angry, and you might be right. I realize I come across as the angry person in this story. It’s not fair to have to take care of someone else’s crap! But I gave his proposal a minute to sink in, and decided it was worth trying. So we did. On the way back down the trail, we picked up every dog poop bag. Tossing them in the garbage can at the trailhead, I felt a sense of freedom and relief. I celebrated removing seven angry dog poop bags from the world, saving myself and countless unknown others from anger. Honestly, I felt happy!

Two weeks later, back at Tamanawas Falls, there were several dog poop bags on the trail. I had brought my own bag for just this possibility. Every time I picked up a poop bag, I felt a warm inner glow of happiness. Back at the trailhead, tossing them into the garbage can, I knew I was reducing the amount of anger in the world. Bliss!

Now, when I see a bag beside the trail, instead of thinking, “Yuck! I hate dealing with other people’s crap!” and being angry, I think, “Great! Another opportunity to change the world, one bag at a time!” Sometimes I even feel a little disappointed when I go hiking and there aren’t any bags to pick up.

Dear reader, I am a generous person, which is why I am sharing this enlightened practice with you. You, too, can transform your own crappy attitude and disappointment with others into a deep sublime happiness for yourself, making your world a more joy filled place for you — and those forgetful others. Stow a plastic bag or two in your backpack. The extra layer of protection makes it safer to put someone else’s crap in your pack, quite literally.

C’mon! Let’s start a dog poop movement! There are abundant forgotten dog poop bags out there on the trails. Plenty for all of us. Little bags of stinky happiness. Join me, and set yourself free.

Storytelling Interviews

If your nonprofit has an email newsletter, a blog, or sends fundraising letters, you need to have good stories. How do you make that happen? It starts with an interview. Here are some tips on making that special kind of interview work.

The purpose.

Start by thinking about how this interview will be used? A fundraising letter? A newsletter? Then think about your audience. Your audience is always one single person, a donor. Think about a donor you know, a real person, and plan to write to them.

The preparation.

Familiarize yourself with the program or services the client used. Prepare some questions. Use a digital recorder that you have practiced using so you can save the recording correctly. During the interview you will be taking notes only on key ideas.

The interview.

Be courteous and sensitive. At the beginning of the interview, thank them and recognize their vulnerability and courage. Be an active listener. Ask questions that will bring them back to the scene of the story of their life before your charity helped them.

With many people, you just need to get them started, then listen. Don’t say anything. Just wait for them to talk. You are there to listen. When there’s a long pause, ask a question.

Throughout the interview, make your subject feel successful by saying things like, “…that’s great, you have a good memory, this is really good, thank you for being willing to be so vulnerable…” At the end of the interview, acknowledge their strength and vulnerability, and thank them again. You can’t thank too much.

Suggested questions.

Ask emotional questions to get emotional answers. What did that feel like? Tell me how it felt? Tell me how it felt when…

Tell me the story of what happened before you got connected with this charity? What was your life like?

Tell me the story of how you were helped by this charity? Was there someone in particular who you’d like to talk about?

Can you tell me more about that?

Here is the most important question, because this quote definitely belongs in whatever you’re writing: What would you say to supporters of our charity?

The story

Write your first draft as soon as possible after the interview. A good fundraising, donor-centered style of writing isn’t for everyone, and it isn’t necessarily natural. Need help with your fundraising stories? That’s what I’m here for. Contact me now to see how I can help you reach your fundraising goals through better stories.

Feeling Thank Yous

Sometimes, it is so easy to write a thank you, while other times, it’s a struggle.

What’s the difference? I think it’s hardest when I try to do it right. It’s easiest when I first get in touch with my feelings of gratitude. Here’s an example:

Yesterday, at the Nonprofit Public Relations Roundtable, a Gorge Action Programs staff member came in with a homemade coffee cake for us. I try to stay away from sugar or white flour, so… I wasn’t grateful for the thing itself. But I felt so much gratitude for her thoughtfulness, that I immediately made a commitment to myself to write her a thank you note.

Now I’m sitting here with a note card open, pen in hand, and I need to get back in touch with that feeling. I close my eyes, and remember the moment, and what I felt when I realized she had made the coffeecake especially for us. I write down the feeling words: cared for, nurtured, welcomed, loved, liked, surprised, scared of sugar, worried I’d offend her if I didn’t eat some, obligated.

Which words will she want to hear? What might she be hoping that her effort elicited? Those are the words I’ll use in my thank you note. I always use the pronoun “you” or the person’s name at least 3 times.

Dear Georgia,

Thank you so much for making your wonderful coffeecake for our meeting. It was such a surprise, and you made me feel so welcome. You are so thoughtful! Georgia, the effort you put into making us feel at home means a lot to me. Thanks again for being so warm and welcoming.

Heidi

I’ve identified my process.

1. Be aware of opportunities to express gratitude.

2. Get in touch with my feelings of gratitude.

3. Reach out with empathy for the person I’m grateful to.

4. Make it personal and specific.

If you, too, struggle with the process of thanking your donors, I’d love to help you develop a strategy that works. Call (541-490-8689) to schedule a one hour complimentary consultation.

Easy Graphics

A nonprofit needs a way to make good-looking graphics for Facebook, appeal letters, email newsletters, posters, postcards . . .

Even if your scrappy nonprofit can afford Photoshop, who can afford the time it takes to learn to use it well?

Enter Canva for Nonprofits. As of this writing, Canva will give any nonprofit a free Team account. You store your colors, logos, and fonts on the Canva site, and your staff members can make consistently beautiful and on-brand graphics, whenever they need them.

Empower your team.

PS: Are you randomly throwing stuff on Facebook and hoping it inspires someone to give or volunteer? There’s a better way. Craft a Communications Plan that starts with an audience profile and ends with how you’ll effectively use all the channels. Need help? I’m here for you. info@heidiventure.com

Ending “Sincerely”

Photo Credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

What’s the best way to end your emails? Sincerely? Regards? Yours truly? Nope. This tip is based on research analyzing 350,000 emails.

Gratitude won the top three spots. “Thanks in advance” was the clear winner, followed by “Thanks” and “Thank you.”

Gratitude is an effective, inexpensive, relationship-building action you can use every day.

Speaking of gratitude, are you doing a good enough job thanking donors? Would you rather do a great job? Let me help you move from “good enough” to “Great!” Call or email for a complimentary one hour consultation: 541-490-8689.